I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
