she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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