Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
we're making bets on your personal life
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
