woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
