omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
So high. I just took a picture of my chewed gum so I can remember to paint a picture of it as a cloud later.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
Randomize
