WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
