I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
