i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
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MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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