i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
