Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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