I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
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