its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
