I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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