organizing the empties. That sober.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
