she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I want a musical about memes.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
