im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Drunk is not a location!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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