Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize
