ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
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