No I am not eating basil off your cock
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
