Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
