Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
