Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
