The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Randomize
