His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
