I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
