Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
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