meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
Randomize
