Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
