my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Oh and I watched laurens last episode on the hills. its been an emotional day
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Randomize
