i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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