They should really pass out barf bags in church
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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