you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
