her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
