Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
