nutella sex= disaster
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
