can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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