I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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