I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I think a kid would responsible me up
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
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