My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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