dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sobbing to NWA
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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