I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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