Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
