what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
