so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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