The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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