i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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