Your dad touched me again.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
