I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
