I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
