the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
