I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
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